Five Things Society Thinks I'm Too Old To Do
This year I turn 28. Unlike the nerd internet-writer stereotype, I am married and I live in a townhouse away from my parent's basement. That being said, I still raid the cheap bin at the comic store every week, I still buy movie-themed t-shirts, and I am currently building a zombie-themed diorama with Walking Dead and Resident Evil action figures. Naturally, you, my brethren, would find nothing wrong with these hobbies. But we've all seen the sneers. We've all heard the under-the-breath mutterings. They're all the telltale signs of judgment. I am all too familiar with this particular stench. Every so often, you may find yourself engaged in an activity that's intended for a younger age bracket. No big deal, right? Except the parents of the younger age bracket glare in your direction while slowly shaking their heads. Why do they care? It isn't (usually) a matter of maturity, but a matter of taste. Most of us have been collecting toys and comics before all of today's pre-teens were born, so naturally our collections are quite large. We can do without the nose-thumbing, thank you. Oh, society, why do you mock us for our simpler wants?
5. Eating Food Packaged For Children (Kid Cuisine, Happy Meals)
Sometimes I order a Happy Meal because I'm only sorta hungry and want nuggets and fries. Sometimes I want the Batman toy inside. Never do I want the scoff that comes with the ordering of a Happy Meal. I don't find any shame in carrying my food by happy handles, so stop giving me grief because I ordered a meal inside of a pumpkin-shaped plastic bucket. The same goes for any food that has packaging aimed towards children. Nobody would think twice about an adult buying cereal, like Lucky Charms, but if I'm caught buying Kid Cuisine, I'm considered to be a borderline sexual degenerate. Sure, they are bad for your health. And quality-wise, I suppose they aren't any worse than Banquet meals. (But hey, sometimes they are on sale, and sometimes you find a coupon.) I don't need some middle-aged creep-fest in the check-out lane looking at me like I'm the weird one. I get a little...passive aggressive in these situations. I can just imagine the conversation on my side going something like this; "No, I don't have any kids. No, I'm not buying them to use as bait for the neighborhood children. I am actually gonna be the one eating them. I like them. They remind me of the food they served in prison."
They kinda look like prison trays, don't they?
4. Renting/Watching Cartoons
I'm grateful that animation has become more socially acceptable for "grown-ups." Adult Swim is consistently gracing the television screens of my friends and I. That doesn't mean that Family Guy and Metalocalypse are some of the only "cartoons" someone my age should be comfortable watching. When I think of "timeless classics," one of the first things to pop into my head is Merrie Melodies. Seriously, watch some of the classic Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Road Runner shorts and its difficult to believe that they are 50-60 years old. And not to get off topic here, but dammit, today's children need to be introduced to the real Looney Tunes. That new garbage currently airing on Cartoon Network can fuck right off. And Disney movies. When did it become an unwritten rule that only kids, parents, and pedophiles are allowed to watch Disney movies? Listen, I don’t need some prick who’s renting Jack and Jill giving me shit for renting Disney’s Hercules. It’s a good movie. It has James Woods in it.
Who greenlights this liquid dog-shit?
3. Go Trick or Treating
Obviously, I'm not talking about dressing up in costumes and partying. Such things are still acceptable amongst adults.
The I-Mockery gang takes Halloween seriously.
Hell, women will try to convince us that Halloween is the only day of the year they feel comfortable dressing up like a European prostitute. (Stop telling us "I wouldn't normally dress this way." We don't require a reason, we're just thankful.) What I am saying is that at some point in your teens, going door to door asking for candy whilst dressed like Skeletor becomes socially unacceptable, unless you already have a kid and are shuffling it around town. There really shouldn't be any reason why some nine year old kid gets candy and I don't. I mean, if I put some serious effort into a costume, or some serious cash, I should be able to ring a doorbell and get treated with a fucking fun-sized Nestle Crunch. If you feel the need to run my name through megans-law.net on your phone before handing over confections, that is fine with me. But don't mistake me: just because I'm dressed like a pirate doesn't mean that I won't produce a real rapier and demand satisfaction.
2. Play in a Ball Pit
If I were rich, I would dig out an in-ground pool, make it a ball-pit, and dive into it Scrooge McDuck-style. (I don't care how much that would hurt or if I would suffocate at the bottom.) I remember when fast food joints had play areas that included ball-pits. What the hell happened to them? I know there was concern over the infestation of germs therein, but now the plastic balls can be made with an antimicrobial solution. Also, reports of dead bodies, snakes, and needles being found in ball-pits are more urban legend than fact, although possible if they aren't properly maintained. The ball-pit needs a serious resurgence. Parents, if you are afraid your kids might accidentally get roughhoused in there with me, don't worry. If anything, I will teach them to stand on the edge of the pit, point to the heavens, and drop in with the Macho Elbow.
The only way I get in, baby.
1. Splashing Around in the Kid's Section at a Water Park
Water parks...my kryptonite. My love for water parks is so leagues-deep, it can trump my hatred of children. (In fact, if there is an afterlife and I am deserving, when I die, I will go to the Dubai Atlantis Resort.)
If I were a James Bond villain, this is how I would get rid of the world's children.
This leaves me in a conundrum, as I am often drawn to the toddler-oriented parts of the parks. When I first saw the Monsoon Lagoon Section of Splashin' Safari at Holiday World in person, I nearly got wood. Thankfully, the water was too cold for that. I imagine I would've received much more awkward glances in that instance. But seriously, look at it! How could you not want to wallow in its glory?
It just looks so fu...wait, is that a discolored Umbrella logo spinning in the middle there?
How could you keep from playing with the water cannons and elbowing kids out of the way so you can get a good spot when the Tiki bucket tips over a 1000 gallons of water? I know that water parks with such "fun houses" usually say that they are to be enjoyed by "everyone," but I get a little...egregious when it comes to water battles.
"I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me."