Five Movie Characters Who Deserved More Screen Time
RoboCop. Iron Man. Joe Dirt. What could these three titans of the big screen possibly have in common? Well, besides their shared penchant for eye-catching headwear, these fictional men were found so intriguing by the writers of their movies that their names were selected to represent the films right on their titles.
Occasionally, a minor character lurks in the background whose involvement in the plot is abbreviated because of editing cuts, bad screenwriting or any other number of factors. Sometimes said characters display one or more traits that demand more explanation as to where they came from, what their motivations are and why they've been included in the story in the first place, characters such as...
Glen, Wayne's World
The star employee of Stan Mikita's Donuts, played by Ed "Al Bundy" O'Neill, clearly carries some deep-seeded psychological issues. When a distressed customer opens up to him about his recent layoff, Glen turns into a malicious Tony Robbins, dispersing a bit of ill-advised career advice -- "You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies." Maybe it's time Glen switches to decaf.
Why he deserved more screen time: Glen appears in three scenes in the original Wayne's World, all taking place inside the donut shop, where, according to Wayne, the precarious pastry promoter works 24 hours a day. The madness brewing inside Glen has got to be the cause for his insomnia, but at least he possesses a remarkable work ethic to help keep the demons at bay.
Glen's role was scaled back even further in the sequel, only appearing in one brief scene. Audiences deserve to know what burned him in his past -- "I wish to God that somebody would do something to block out the voices in my head for five minutes, the voices that scream over and over, 'Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?'"
Ted "Old Man" Clemens, Billy Madison
Setting fire to bags of dog crap on porches of senior citizens could have easily replaced baseball as American's favorite pastime. It's definitely more exciting, especially when the victim is someone like Ted Clemens, a cranky old fart who seemingly spends the majority of his time in his underwear. Apparently, he also has a fondness for wearing boots with his bedtime ensemble, as if anticipating a fecal assault at a moment's notice.
Why he deserved more screen time: In the final cut of Billy Madison, Billy and equally-drunk pals Jack and Frank encounter Ted only once, forcing the geezer to stomp out flaming canine poo for what must be the umpteenth time. Upon discovering that he's once again been had, Ted exclaims, "I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!" The resounding threat echoes into the night, ultimately becoming of little consequence, as Ted is never seen again for the remainder of the film.
In the DVD's deleted scenes, Billy returns to Ted's house for another round of shitty shenanigans. After setting the turds aflame, Billy experiences a change of heart and allows himself to be caught by the crotchety old man. Ted rejoices in Billy's regret, stomping around the fiery mess and ridiculing his tormentor for flunking out of elementary school. This scene remains lost in the finished film, sadly denying the codger the small sliver of revenge he so rightfully deserved.
Creepy Guy, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
When the greatest stoner duo since Cheech and Chong become lost on their way to pick up munchies, Kumar wonders into the woods to spring a leak. What he encounters in the middle of the nothingness is something no one could have foreseen -- a visibly-shaken man in a business suit, panic swelling in his eyes from previous deeds unseen by the movie's viewer, joins him in urination. This startles Kumar, and rightfully so, as the weirdo initially seems to be unaware of his presence.
Why he deserved more screen time: Aside from portraying horror movie trivia junkie Randy Meeks in the Scream series, Jamie Kennedy's résumé remains populated with mostly-unwatchable tripe -- Malibu's Most Wanted, Son Of the Mask, Kickin' It Old Skool... I'll stop now. Kennedy's role went uncredited in this film, which is unfortunate as it might have given a slight glimmer of validity to an underwise shoddy filmography.
What I want to know is, what was this man doing in the minutes proceeding his meeting with Kumar? Murder seems like a legitimate guess, and, judging by his spotless attire, a clean one at that. Perhaps he was hanging out with Glen from Wayne's World, staring up at the stars, pondering life... while simultaneously strangling a pair of Cub Scouts, Anton Chigurh-style.
Bonesaw McGraw, Spider-Man
When Peter Parker begins to go through changes that make the rest of us hang our heads and stare down at our pubes in shame, he decides to test out his newly-acquired agility and web-slinging abilities by competing in a live professional wrestling match. After dressing himself in a hastily-constructed jumpsuit and making his way to the city's sports venue, Pete comes face-to-face with a man who could've easily turned out to be the movie's main antagonist...
Why he deserved more screen time: It's Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Well, actually, his character's name is Bonesaw McGraw, but come on -- it's Randy effin' Savage, one of the biggest crossover superstars of the wrestling world (Hulk Hogan and Dwayne Johnson can eat a fat one). Bonesaw wastes little time getting down to business, slamming Peter into the cage walls that surround the ring and bashing the living shit out of him with a steel chair.
Of course, Pete gets the best of Bonesaw in the end, flipping him into the ropes and dropping him onto his skull. In a better version of the film, Bonesaw would've climbed to his feet and shook Peter's hand for a job well done. Later on, while the Green Goblin has Spider-Man hanging within an inch of his life, Bonesaw could've made his return, dropping the Goblin off his glider with a double axe-handle followed by his patented top rope elbow drop. Ahh, if only I would've written that script...
Santanico Pandemonium, From Dusk Till Dawn
Right out of the gate, From Dusk Till Dawn couldn't disappoint. Directed by Robert Rodriguez, written by Quentin Tarantino, starring George Clooney. Oh yeah, and three, count 'em, three Cheech Marins. And there are vampires. Lots of vampires. And not those pussy-ass, crybaby, sparkling-in-the-sunlight "vampires" who have turned an entire generation of teenage girls into quivering lumps of wretchedness. Real, blood-sucking, orgy-of-violence demons from Hell.
After our band of heroes crosses the Mexican border in search of a little entertainment, they come to a cozy little family establishment known as the Titty Twister and make themselves at home. The bar's main attraction soon appears in the form of Santanico Pandemonium, a Mexican goddess whose immaculate dance moves hypnotize an entire room of boozed-up bikers and truck drivers, driving them into a Homer Simpson-esque donut drool. Or maybe that was just the sight of her ass.
Why she deserved more screen time: Do you even have to ask? This is arguably Salma Hayek at her hottest. Do we need any other reason besides this...
... or this?